My son is 10, and in the fifth grade, well one of his classmates was in a tragic car crash yesterday and she passed away last night. I have not let him go to any wakes yet,just dont want him to see that and that be his last memory. My sons friends parents are also undecided about what to do. I cant even imagine how the mom feels, or would feel if none of her daughters friends showed, but they are so young. any feed back is greatly appreciated. ty in advance!
Should my son at 10 years old, go to his classmates wake and funeral?
I think your son is too young to go to a wake, and his reactions and emotions could make things harder for the family members. I think that if you wanted to take him to the funeral, that would be a more appropriate time for his to say his goodbyes. Yes, it will still be a traumatic event, but at least he will not have to see his friends body. That takes a serious toll on a childs mind and heart. I attended a couple of funerals as a kid, and I can tell you, even now as an adult when I try to recollect a memory of someone whose wake I attended, the first picture that pops in to my head, is seeing them laying in a casket. It is very hard for me and I have to dig deep to remember that person alive and well. At one of the funerals, of a friend of mine sister, I actually went into shock and had to be taken out by ambulance. I also think, that my early exposure to death, and seeing a body has alot to do with my deep rooted fear of death.
I know this is a hard decision for you to make . Just consider all aspects before you allow him to go, it is not always best. My thoughts are with you. Good luck.
Reply:Let him go. It will help him understand death.
Reply:If he wants to go, let him go. You cannot shield your children from the facts of life. The sooner he learns about death, the sooner he will understand it.
Reply:I would let your son decide if he wants to go. Make sure he knows that you will be there with him if he decides to go. Also, let him know that if at any time he wants to leave once he is there, you 2 will get up quietly, and leave. Make sure you watch your child closely for signs of depression after the funeral, and make sure you talk about the fact that it's okay to be sad. Also, if you are religious, telling your child that his friend is in heaven now, as an angel, she is happy, and he will see her again someday. She will live on in his heart and mind, and that she can still see him from heaven. If he chooses not to go, you can still get a babysitter for him, and attend yourself. Another thing to consider is that he can still show his respects by contributing to a memorial for her, sending flowers, writing a letter, planting a garden in her memory, or attending a get-together, something that remembers the good things about her life, and focuses less on what happened to her. Whatever you 2 decide to do, make sure you talk to him about his loss, and watch out for signs of depression.
Reply:Oh, that is so sad. So sorry to hear that. If it were me, I would go with your son to the funeral home and let him decide if he wants to see her, explain to him what he will see so he can make up his own mind. Just being there will teach your son respect and show the parents of the girl that you care. If he does decide to see her Im sure it will be very hard for him to understand but just be there for him and help him get through it. Im sure everything will be ok. Again, so sorry to hear that such a young girl lost her life. :)
Reply:i think that if they were good friends then yes you should go with him but if they were just classmates then no. he must learn that death is a part of life and now is a good time he is getting ready to go to middle school where you cannot protect him from the stuff that goes on in my opinion he is old enought to learn
Reply:Yes, I do believe your son should go to the wake and than let him decide if he wants to attend the funeral. Death is a very difficult thing for anyone to handle but it is a part of life. Too often we try and shelter our children from these emotional times and I truly believe it is not healthy. Make sure you talk to him about what happened and his feelings on it. Let him know it is okay to cry if he needs to. Also this is a time that you should talk to him about how even though his friend's body is there to see her soul is in heaven with the Lord.
Reply:If he wants to go. Yes. But give him all the support he needs. A quote from "Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan" - "how we deal with death is at least as important as how we deal with life". Perhaps it would help him to write down as many positive memories of his classmate as possible, and review all the good times? If opportunity should arise, please offer my condolences to the bereaved.
Reply:I'm sorry for your loss. Will the school be offering counseling for her classmates? They should. Personally, that's a hard one. Would I let my 11yr dtr attend a wake and funeral? Not the wake, but the funeral yes, as long as it was closed casket. Your son does not need to see the friend. Memories need to be of the child laughing and playing, not stiff lying in a coffin. The funeral is going to extremly emotional, is your child mature enough to handle it? You will be accompanying him, correct? Are YOU strong enough to handle a childs funeral? I don't know if I could.
Reply:YES most definately. this is a time of joining hands and feelings. He should go and support his other classmates. You and your son should attend and support each other through this rough time. GOD BLESS EVERYONE!
Reply:If the kid wants to go then let him go. After all he has the wright to decide for himself. Its his friend for crying out loud. One of my friends died when I was in the 4th grade and I still attended his funeral. If your so worried about your son then go with him but don't deny him a chance to see his friend for the last time in his life.
Reply:i would let him choose. One time in his young life he should be able to make the decison that he thinks is right. Have you asked him if he wants to go?
Reply:Yes, I think he should go if he want's to. I know he is just 10 and may not understand death. But he has to learn sooner or later. Stop and think what would he do if it was you laying there and he has not yet faced death. How do you think he would handle that and not ever knowing. Could he or would he have any ideal of how it would feel. You can not keep him coverd up for ever. I have 4 kids and they found out at a early age. This is part of life and all kids should know. So please really think about letting him go because you really don't want him to hold it over your head one day. They where friends. This is my veiw about it. And I will keep them all in my paryers.
Reply:Yes. Children need to know that death is real and that experiencing sadness and loss is a part of life.
Reply:I would let him go. It's important that he get a chance to say goodbye like everyone else. It's also important to remember that kids can handle things better than we do sometimes. I recently had a good friend pass away at the age of 38...she had 4 young daughters. While we as adults were having a hard time dealing with things the girls were playing in the park with their friends. My young children were allowed to go to both the wake and the funeral...they got to say goodbye to their "aunt" and to be there for their friends who needed some support. It generated a few questions and fears about death...but that is also something that at some point we have to talk to our children about..be it a pet...a grandmother...or a friend. Emphasise that even though sometimes life is short everyone makes a difference. And that his friend will still be in his heart and that it's o.k. to talk about her...and remember her...and be sad that she's not here...but look around at the wake and see how many people she touched and how many people knew love because of her...and celebrate that life...and know that you have an angel watching over you now.
Sorry for the ramble...but this is something we recently dealt with and I was surprised how even at 7 my son was able to make sense of things in his own way...he asked many questions...but now he's o.k. with things and looks at life as a gift to be enjoyed.
Reply:you should let him decide that way u know u made the right decision becuase he knows if he can handle it or not
shark teeth
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